rain down on me|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Monday, November 23rd, 2009|
i want to have nice arms, they are so destroyed, i want so much to go back and have looked after them
|Sunday, November 22nd, 2009|
i think its gonna take a long time forme to understand talk about or except whats happened in this past year.
|Sunday, July 26th, 2009|
if i havent lost weight in the morning i'm going to take drastic actions
|Sunday, July 19th, 2009|
I have broken up from work for 6weeks, thank god! i am exhausted and can t wait to destroy my sleeping patterns and watch alot of films, smoke alot drink alot and write some music :)
I dont have many plans, well i will go and see Rai and Ryan/Cj, thats about it. i dont want many plans, i would like people to visit me, im nervous about being in this house all alone.
Im worried about my eating :( i have now be referred again to the hospitals eating disorder unit, where ill be an outpatient again. It makes me sad, just gets me so easily.
My mum and brother came over today which was lovely, usual talk of my dad and sister and whether ill speak to them again. Such a massive mess.
i want my drug dealer to contact me,i want a big joint and a nice film.
Decided that feeling lonely is HORRIBLE, but ill try to keep myself busy, going to finish some poetry off and do some reading and yeh i'll hopefully be okay x
|Wednesday, June 17th, 2009|
still fat but going down, going down evryday, feeling strong, only keeping fruit and veg down, excersizing a few times a week, loving strawberries :D
|Saturday, January 3rd, 2009|
I just feel terrible. Broke with matt has been hard mainly because we get on so well but he leaves me alone and i need someone who is more emotionally supportive. I feel sick alot and tearful and lonely. I seem to have lost my friends, but its not that i can face seeing anyone anyway.i had fun in prague for new year, a few tears when i was hammered and more self harm urges than i feel comfortable with. soon ill be going to matts gym next week i hope to work out all this pain there. Current Mood: cold
|Friday, September 12th, 2008|
times like this, the pit of my stomach aches, i have lost 6 pounds officially from the docs yay!
tori amos live on, no one to love, i feel so drained of love and life, sitting down in this pit, missing what a have had and what a have lost and wondering where this leads me now.
for now, work, look after these children like they are my own, and bare winter coming in with a barrier of food and weed and music,god, does this ever end Current Mood: blank
|Sunday, August 24th, 2008|
my stomach no longer allows me to keep chinese down, i think its greesy foods i get cramps and im always sick, god im ending up so goddam fussy with food,im going to be an annoying, does it have blah in it customer, can i be arsed to think about food like that forever!!!!!!!! Current Mood: sick
|Sunday, July 27th, 2008|
i think im ready for a crash
a crash of emotions
shattering the floor
|Thursday, May 8th, 2008|
summer is feeling good, work is fun, playing in the sun with beautiful special needs kids and being paid for it is amazing. im tanning my arms they still show scars but i dont know what i expected! im eating less than normal but in a normal way, like breakfast then one sandwich with fruit then dinner THE END and im swimming, so i hope to loose some weight. nothing worse than feeling fat and sweaty and uncomfortable in summer clothes
|Wednesday, April 9th, 2008|
i was meant to start work yesterday but had a stomach bug from hell, didbnt eat all day and couldnt sleep either, today i finally slept and look forward to work tomrw :)
katie and matt living here is great they really fit in so well we have great evenings together. Im happy at the moment, i have some new friends coming over this weekend and i just feel good about myself recently, im painting alot and feeling good.
gonna have to be careful with food for a while i have thrown myself off by not eating, its weird i always want to eat! so matts helping with that.
the weather is looking great to, it helps to getup, tomrw i have swimming then work and look forward to the routine, routine does me wonders for my head Current Mood: calm
|Tuesday, March 25th, 2008|
not sure why but tonight i b/ped. all i want to do is sleep and not wake for days, im too tired to imagine waking so soon. i must get up and go swimming tomrw i know i will.
im in a weird mood, need matt, one night away and i would love him to be all sleepy beside me.
|Monday, January 21st, 2008|
i have signed of work for depression, i came of my meds and now its havin a real affect, crying and feeling anxcious and generally horrible. got so stoned and drunk last night i couldnt walk and i had to be carried to the toilet where i was sick, then i woke up at 7 and was sick all morning, i feel so incredibly weak, i ate about 6 chocolate bars, but cant be sick if i am i just wont wake up for a week im already so exhausted. ill just skip dinner. gettin some more meds today to help ween me off my other stuff, feel like shit. Current Mood: anxious
|Sunday, September 30th, 2007|
New house in cambruidge now, its great have posters and pretty paintings everywhere and im writing music again, swimming and walking alot. its very great here,even though i dont like my dad i still feel like im going to cry when i watch matts family visit and no my dad didnt even say goodbye. it makes me feel 15 again watching the other dads hug their children, but i dont know im sure ill get used to it. my sister stayed the night we drank cider and watched sabrina the teenage witch.
matts family came over took us out for lunch. i felt quite blank eating am glad to be home, want to sleep and start it again. Current Mood: blank
|Tuesday, September 18th, 2007|
|Monday, August 20th, 2007|
i feel like taking my body apart and putting it back cleaned out and emptied, i feel dirty and cluttered inside, i wish i could clean it
|Monday, July 16th, 2007|
|Friday, June 15th, 2007|
Think im finally starting to loose weight again, long time coming. everythings good got a new guitar an electro acoutsic and been playing cheesy songs like zombie on it and feeling happy. got a few gigs coming up and im doing too many night shifts but my new way of dealing with that is sleeping at work! that was i feel like im part of this planet.
my guinea pig Superman did a runner last saturday and appeared back home trying to get in the cage on thursday, he clearly just needed time alone to think and access his life.
im SO hungry but its 5 to 1 in the morning, im always bloody hungry, when im forty im buying a bakery and just getting fat. anyway better sleep. had a massive row with my dad again today, he knows i dislike him, i can hardly look at him sometimes.
anyway ill stop thinking about sweets and toast and go to sleep xx Current Mood: confused
|Monday, May 28th, 2007|
tried recently to go off medication again, it went really badly, and the doctor told me i need to be on them perminently until further review. Right now i cant imagine ever coming of them. i have been doing alot of night shifts in between feeling ill, so life hasn't been great recently. sleeping all day and sitting up all night watching a man slowly die, writing alot of poetry but feeling really distant from everyone. has been great having matt back and we are planning to go on a boat holiday and moving to cambridge this year will be a well needed change in my life. imnot going to talk about food, but im doing okay with it, really really unhappy about my weight though.as long as im not purging then i should be okay. Current Mood: sleepy
|Friday, March 16th, 2007|
juts back from spain a few days now, was really hot and i had a good tim.e got home to a free house and had a little parrty. yesterday i think i had my downer day, just felt horrible, didnt want to talk to anyone, so i just slept allday, and then all night. feel better today but still cant really be bothered for anything right now. work has been fine today, no problems and im going to see matt a week on monday then when im back 3 weeks later hes home for good so i cant wait at all. ifeel exhausted and cant find motivation to do things i need to do. the house has no food, i need to sort my clothes do washing and tidy my room. all i want to do is sleep, cant be bothered for a thing. i guess these times will always come and go on medication or not, i guess depression is just something i have, ill always have urges to self harm, and be sick, but now i just have to sleep it off, or talk it out. in need of a hug Current Mood: cold